The rest is the best

I am getting in under the clock! Here is the rest of what I like about Germany... I would have written sooner but I haven't had much downtime on my vacation home:

Number 4: Lack of sarcasm.

Sure, Germans are not very funny, in fact, they are unfunny. They do not like puns, double entendres or sarcastic asides. Sometimes they tolerate physical comedy or racist jokes about Italians, but usually they keep it straight-laced. And although this is one of my least favorite things about Germans, it's also an admirable trait. Unlike so many sound byte-y Americans, Germans are comfortable with silence and reflection and an altogether absence of cheer. They also don't quip mean or sarcastic or speak like a MySpace away message. Finally, I think this lack of sarcasm also eliminates the cultural-verbal hiccup of "like." Like, cool.

Number 3: Easily identifiable prostitutes.

Are they going to the State Fair, or going to turn a trick? German hookers always inspire this question in my mind because they are outfitted with a jaunty white fanny pack. Brilliant! It holds money, prophylactics and lipstick, what else does a lady of the Nacht need?! Not to make light of a serious topic in Germany (hookers are taxpayers, it's legal) but I like that they sort of have a uniform. From to Berlin to Hamburg you see the fanny pack, a white puffy jacket and white pleather go-go boots. This fits Germans general love of order and stereotypes, and if you can't stereotype a hooker, who can you stereotype?

Number 2: Regionalism.

I love this one. In the past year I have been to Cologne, Berlin, Hamburg, Nuremburg, Munich, Hannover, Bamberg, etc... and every city is different, reflecting the vast regionalism in germany. Geography helps: The Alps, the river region and the North sea all provide ready-made identities, but even in states like Hessen, the people are proud to have their own slang, booze and universities.

Mambo number 5 (and 6)

Why does Lou Vega exist? Why am I taking off-brand German cold medicine? Where am I?


The number 6 thing I like about Germany is their precise and particular and perplexing language. It's true: Even though German grammar is so hard, and I'll never understand a sentence like Ich wasche mir die Haende mit guter Seife (literal translation: I wash myself/to me the hands with good soap. Real world translation: I am washing my hands) I keep trying because it's so hard that it becomes fun. Maybe this is how it feels to play chess or something. I also love the words because they are so literal. Let me illustrate with some words from advertisements in the latest issue of the German fashion magazine Brigiite: Protein is "Eiweiss" (egg white); oral contraceptives are "die antibabypille" (the anti-baby pill); vacuum cleaner is "Staubsauger" (dust sucker); mittens are "Handschue" (hand shoes); gums (from a toothpaste ad) are "Zahnfleisch" (tooth meat). But my favorite is one of the first German words I learned: "Nacktschneke." It means naked snail, in other words, a slug.

And while we're talking about tooth meat, I'll bring up number 5 which is the pretty rockin' German healthcare system. I'm not going to get all political on you, but I have to say going to the doctor for a sinus infection (sorry, that's gross) earlier this year was shocking for two reasons. 1: My doctor had a red 'fro and 2: The cost of the visit plus 18 Amoxicillian pills was only 20 Euros!!!! That's just plain unbelievable. The proof is in the pudding, or my clear sinus cavities.

The Upper Crust

I will not let you down blog readers (mom and dad)! I return with numbers 8 and 7 on things I actually like about the 'Furt/ the Fatherland.

This installment is a little late as our apartmenthold has been staging an epic battle with a nasty holiday cold. I have also been working overtime to get two Romanian girls prepared to take the TOEFL test and I am so emotionally invested in their understanding of "if clauses" and "reported speech." If you know me, you know how I feel about Eastern Europe/ Europeans (undying love/devotion) so you can imagine how much I care about Luci and Maria's success. Ok, so on with the show:

Number 8: I love that Germans take pride in their royal blood.

In the course of this last year I have had several students make artfully blase remarks how all of Europe's royal families are actually German. This murmur of royal boasting was amplified a few weeks ago when Chuck turned 60, it was all over the news and the Germans were all like, "they are actually German, what's the big deal?" Because Germany was such a disorganized mess up until... umm... 1946, Germany was a treasure trove of royal families who rose and descended in power and land, but always made a good marriage option for the houses of France, Germany, Spain and the UK. German houses like the Hannovers, Holsteins and the Saxe-Coburg-Gothas (later shortened to "Windsor") produced Queen Victoria and, thus, my beloved Chuck.

Since the German are incapable or irony, their boasts are totally legit. One student, Ute, actually said that without the mix of German blood all royal families would be "like this." She then proceeded to stick out her jaw and mime not being able to close her mouth.

Number 7: They have never had a problem with Carbs.

Sure, Germans have fad diets (mostly juice fasts and food combining) and women buy cellulite cream by the liter at the drugstore, but Germans have never demonized carbs. They love bread and embrace it in many forms, most notably the pretzel (Bretzle) and the many dense and delicious Kuchen (cakes). Bread here is consumed at every meal, and it's hearty, nutty, brownberry stuff. Bakeries of all stripes (chain and healthy independents) line every street. Thank God we have Dr. Oester, and not Dr Atkins.

Do you get my blog title?

Prost! (cheers)

My number 9 Thing I Actually Like about Germany is... their Drinking culture!

I think Germany is the best drinking country in the world. They make excellent wines, beers and liquors and do not seem to have severe problems with overindulgence. They foster drinking communities through neighborhood Kneipes (like a pub/bar) where groups of friends can claim a Stammtisch, or reserved table. Sure, you may find over-served Germans at these bars, but who cares? A drunk German will just become rosy cheeked and possibly start singing songs about mountains or Austria. A drunk Brit, on the other hand, might try to stab you.

Germans are great at ritual, which is what makes drinking here so satisfying. Here in the 'Furt we drink Apfelwein, not found outside the state of Hessen. So Apfelwein is always served in a dimpled glass out of a ceramic pitcher, or Bemble. We also drink Henniger beer, brewed not 500 yards from our apartment and Rheingauer Riesling, grown one hour north of the city. Each drink has it's own glass, it's own temperature, it's own season, etc. It's orderly and evocative of traditions and merriment that have been taking place long before you turned 21 (or 18, as it is here).

And the Germans show a flexibility and creativity in their drinking culture that is rarely seen in other parts of the country's persona. I have previously written about Diesel (coke + beer), but there is also Jaegermeister tee, mulled wine, spiked cider, and my favorite raspberry beer. The Germans allow their fancies to take over at the tap.

Shameless Pride

I am a very happy DP today because all of Germany is reading an interview of Annie Lennox by Herr Grell in the Friday edition of the FAZ. This is a big paper in Germany, and E's name underneath the androgynous singer's picture is certainly frame-worthy.

I will post again later today about the number 9 thing I love about Germans: Drinking Culture.

In which I do something different

Perhaps it's the mulled wine or the Christmas lights hanging from the Altbau apartments, but I am in the mood for a little holiday goodwill and yuletide reflection. At a recent dinner at our neighborhood Indian place, the colonial namesake Bombay Palace, E pointed out to me that on January 7th I will have my one-year anniversary with the Fatherland.

My initial response: Scheisse. One year and I have a special needs third grader's language skills, one German friend, one Ukrainian friend probably about 3 pounds of Ritter Sport chocolate irrevocably attached to my butt. I was being a Negative Nancy, a role that ex-patriotism not only encourages but supports. For me, 2008 was the Year of the Gripe. The most omnipresent: I can't remember dative personal pronouns. I have no oven. I have no friends. I feel bloated. I wish I looked Aryan. I wish the English movie theater didn't show "Hellboy" on two screens... etc.

So in an effort to be more positive I am going to post my Top Ten Things I Actually Like about Germany/Germans throughout the rest of December. I have one month to foster my "intention of happiness" (that's from an O article I cut out). Here goes:

Number 10: I like how Germans dance because it's so weird

A few weeks ago I went to a German dance club with the aforementioned German friend. The club was full of hipsters, and the DJ was spinning things like " Don't Walk Away Renee" with a house beat. It was weird, but not as weird as a dance floor full of Krauts getting down. Germans do not grind, freak or hump on the dance floor. Nor do they dance ironically, they way most white people do (like me). There are no sprinklers or pencil sharpeners, no people pretending to be hooked fish. Instead Germans dance in a totally serious, totally Teutonic, totally unselfconscious way. They're like Sprockets but better. They do not touch. They do not smile. They do not raise their arms. They grimace and move their hips like people who actually like Kraftwerk. They are robots, and God bless them for that.